Hello and welcome to my precious weblog.


a girl (a lady!) who's had this blog for a long time now, forever loves autumn and the color orange, and her cat Miaosie. that be squiddy.

This website may not be idiot proof, but at least it's dimwit resistant.

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River Flows in You
Yiruma (vocals by Ruvin)

너를 위한 길이 하나 있다면
그건 지금 바로 너 안에 있어
그렇게 더 견뎌낼 수 있다면
이곳에 너의 모든걸 맡겨봐
천천히 천천히 내 맘속에 강은 흐르고
기다림 그 기다림 끝에는 내가 있을까
널 향해 내 맘을 던지고 싶어
언제나 내가 널 느낄 수 있게
그렇게 더 견뎌낼 수 있다면
이곳에 너의 모든걸 맡겨봐
** 2번 반복

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so yeah lately i've been down. again. seems i only post here when i'm feeling down.

[insert teenage angst here]
[insert teenage angst here]
[insert teenage angst here]
[insert teenage angst here]
[insert teenage angst here]

does 19 count as teenage?

i'm actually kinda sick of the same words i type over and over again. being alone. being lonely. being sad. being depressed. seriously Marie, isn't there anything else you should be saying right now????

of course there's a lot more to say. it's just that i'm feeling lost, that's all. i'm pretty sure i'm a sociable person. i've got friends. not just imaginary friends. i'm constantly updated and connected; i don't think i've missed out on anything lately. deadlines excluded.

i've tried going back to Gaia, just for the lulz. maybe i'd find something else. maybe i'd find a trigger to dispel my neverending whining. but then i realized, even if i met new friends there, the conversations wouldn't really last coz...

i don't have any real interests anyway. apparently i'm good with anything, but i just know the basics. sometimes i envy my other friends for hanging out with other people with nothing else in mind but [insert obsession here]. i really didn't want to be that so i could fit in with just about any crowd. an all-purpose jigsaw puzzle piece, apparently. i've just realized its downsides just now.

ah well. it's what i chose, right? might as well make do with what i already have.

Posted at 12:08 am by squiddy
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an hour.

an hour that feels like six hours.

an hour for you to get here.

an hour to wait for you.

an hour to tell you how i really feel.

an hour to try my best to get over all these insane things that have been happening recently.

an hour to get over you.

an hour will never be enough.

Posted at 08:44 am by squiddy
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concentration || motivation || saturation || procrastination

got a lot of things on my mind right now. and i don't even know what those things are.

i'm here doing my homework. or i was. technical stuff that even i can't comprehend. probably coz our prof discusses at a fast pace. probably coz i'm always spacing out. probably coz i'm not interested in the topic at all. probably coz of all these things. a recipe for a failing grade, that's how i see this. tsss. i shouldn't even be here.

but sometimes one has to escape from the world, right?

i've tried escaping recently, just for the heck of it. i've tried reading, playing games, watching whatever, yet i get bored easily. apparently the only acceptable way i can escape, or so my body perceives it that way, is through writing.

and to think i've stopped for a long time.

i've tried my best to stay in reality. so much that i've even interchanged the words in what i used to believe in. escape reality, embrace illusion. that's how it's been for the past 6 years. only recently have i managed to flip that around: embrace reality, escape illusion. yet over and over again i find myself where i was once before.


forever procrastinating.

argh old habits die hard. why oh why oh why.

somebody haul me out of the doldrums. quick.

Posted at 01:04 am by squiddy
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Angel Beats sobfest.

just finished watching Angel Beats.

and i cried a lot at the last episode, just like when i cried when Tomoya found out why Ushio wouldn't stop looking for the toy her dad bought for her in Clannad ~After Story~. Key really has this tear-jerker talent. i'd like to finish watching Kanon though, and see if it had the same effect on me. Air was good as well, but as i was bitter during the time that i watched it, it seemed more corny than sad. KyoAni's works for Key are particularly awesome.

anyway. Angel Beats made me think of a lot of things. about how life can be cruel. or how life can actually be fair. it all depends on the person living it, really. through his eyes only his perspective is seen. nobody really sees the underlying domino effects of their actions, now do they.

i really loved the bittersweet irony at the end. that was definitely worth watching. i won't be describing it here; please watch the series to experience its full effects. i just reminds me of how artistic humans really can be. mixed media is the the best. a good plot here, some wordplay there, with a stunning combination of shapes and lines and an interesting splash of color.

the Ef series is just as good as well, if we were talking about the artistic types of anime that suit my taste. i have Ef ~Tale of Memories~ with me; bought it at a second-hand bookstore for only P45. such a bargain, really. i haven't really found time to finish the series, but when i do i will immediately search for the sequel. probably just torrent it instead. maybe. i dunno. once i have time.

i just love these types of shows.

Posted at 02:35 am by squiddy
comments (0)  

creative writing practice.

nobody ever really comes here anymore these days, unless i've visited random blogs and decided to post in their tagboard. or something.

anyway. as long as nobody i know comes here anymore, i know i'm safe. yes i would've preferred to write this in a private blog but... where's the fun in that? plus i put up a pretty header. i might as well be a bit active from time to time, yeah?

and this is also partly coz of my creative writing class. i've forgotten how to write the way i wrote before. i must resurrect my eccentric style of writing. perhaps i should start with vagueness? yes, i believe that should do the trick.


so. how are you?

it's been a while since i've seen you. i miss you already. when do i get to see you again? i'm actually quite busy these days. i mean, i've got an exam tomorrow (come to think of it i haven't even studied well for it yet.) i know i should be studying now, but for some reason i just can't concentrate. i keep getting distracted. i wish i knew exactly why. if i did i would've immediately eliminated that distraction; i would've focused on my lessons already. so here i am, writing, hoping that all my distracting thoughts would pour out, hoping that thoughts of you would just sit in a corner, patiently waiting while i try to get my job done.

but they are not behaved children. they are brats. i wish my thoughts would just behave. even for just a little while.

how are you? i'd really like to be with you right now. too bad i can't. i could probably just fly there, wherever you are. flying on the wings of love? goodness no, cheesy much..? whatever. you know what? if we were together right now, i'd fall asleep immediately. like i usually do. or at least i used to. remember? those times. i'd always feel so relaxed every time we meet. every time we just sat down together, just the two of us. hold on, was that really the case? or was it just to mask my lack of conversational skills? i wouldn't want to talk, so i'd feign drowsiness. was that it? my memory does not exactly serve me right, now does it. now i'm confused.

i crave a hug from you. i miss you so much. i can't wait to be with you again.

Posted at 11:34 pm by squiddy
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alright moving on...

YES I'M STILL HERE. :D missed me?

now that i've fixed my layout (in just what, two hours?) i should probably write my paper.

but i don't feel like it LOL

it's only July and here i am, already planning for Christmas. or something like that. actually i'm putting together a scrapbook about me and my boyfriend, addressed to him. (i doubt he's ever going to read this so i'll just keep talking.) our anniversary is on December 26, which is the day after Christmas Day, so yeah i guess we can also call it a Christmas present. and yes i am confident that we will last another year, so i'm starting this now.

we made a scrapbook last year, but we never finished it coz (1) he couldn't think of anything to write and (2) it was crap. i swear it was just plain fugly. i printed the pictures myself, then i realized that with the photo paper i used, the ink easily smeared. our faces looked distorted. i am so not keeping that scrapbook, i said.

so yeah i'm making another one. from scratch. and purely in my perspective because he didn't want to contribute much to the first one. i am so in control. i love being in control.

though yes when i comes to acads i am so not in control. argh.

maybe i should write my paper now.

Posted at 12:08 am by squiddy
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